vivian's story

Screwed

vivian c. — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 14:43:39 +0000

Once again… Failed. I’ll be on a strict diet. Start cutting calories. Make it a save money plan.

I need to bring my lazy ass to gym and morning runs. The morning runs are really torturing:( I’ll plan to fix gym/run in lunch time. I dont know how. But I have to do it.

I’m all back to the overweight me. I’ll ignore everybody and live in my own world. Selfish but beneficial.

Those vicious cycle? U’re better than the cycle. And ilu than u*. Fuck! Let’s cut to 1000. Will go down by 100 each week. Decrease intake first. I need to be patient.

Glycogen to start off

vivian c. — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 22:14:22 +0000

To start off first by buring Glycogen. Glycogen is the energy source stored in muscles that you draw on when you do endurance sport. i need to start my endurance training. Others are topping off training in their lifestyle and i;ve yet to do so. 21km is just few month away. sigh..

I guess this is how the Atkins Diet works. It gradually starves the body of glycogen (which is made from carbohydrates), forcing it to use fat stores. So not only does it lead to a reduction in muscle mass but also a greater apparent weightloss. This means that the dieter gets trapped into Atkins because the second they eat carbs the body grabs them to refuel the empty glycogen stores. They step on the scales the next day and see a huge increase despite the fact that their body won’t have gained an inch. The fuel is in the muscles, not sitting around as fat. Consequently they stop eating carbs, use up the glycogen and ‘magically’ lose weight. That has got to be the stupidest diet I have ever heard of.

Me miserable! which way shall I fly Infinite wrath and infinite despair?

Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;

And in the lowest deep a lower deep, Still threat’ning to devour me,opens wide,

To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

- John Milton, Paradise Lost

helpless!

vivian c. — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:37:26 +0000

i’m seriously clueless & lost with my future!!! i dont know what i want to be or do. should i take up SGH admin or should i wait for a lab position? what do i really want? i’m freakin clueless!! MSU can give random calls saying “you’re offered” but why dont i have such thing… oh god.

can someone guide me….

Celine’s celebration & my emotions

vivian c. — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 15:30:33 +0000

I’m seriously tryin to live to the fullest. It’s Celine’s 20th bday party and I got her bday chzcake. I find it much appropriate the puffs and pie from baker’s oven helped alot in her cocktail party too.

Jeff was so nice to give us a ring. And I seriously miss hanging out ith BFFs. Thanks even though I don’t really like to go out and even though I constantly have moodswings.

Okay I seriously think that I make those emotions all up. Sigh, train back with J and Im seriously clueless why ppl are looking at me as though i didnt zip up or my boobs aere revealing! Crazy shit!

Oh and I seriously wanna put on braces. Who can sponsor 50%?? I need to get my teeth done and it seems like putting them on is a naturally weightloss regime. Arrgghhh. I don’t know but Celine’s dad(my 2nd dad) talked to me abt philosophy in life. Kinda wanna give me a wake up call. I know what’s he’s trying to convey but yea. Knowing and doing is different.

Also I get seriously irritated by someppl. Just with the presence. I hate it!! Privacy intruded. Question me abt my past(taboo stuff) without seeking permission whether am I “ok” to talk abt it…. Arghhh!

Emotions…

vivian c. — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 14:36:55 +0000

I seriously hate my life now. i don’t know what’s in me. I just disappoint everyone in life. Even in my dream, I gotta live up to everybody. i unsure whether is this what I’d created or is this something fated. but even in my dream I’m reprimanded for not helping out in the family and always having a messy room. the house was in a state of chaos, filled with noise. and i was left to settle the situation. i couldn’t take the noise and was puling my hair yet crying badly. and boom i woke up panting away… Tell me what’s going on?

i’m overeating again. I know i’m damn full and stuff but i just constantly grab food to stuff myself. and once i’m THAT FULL…. yea sigh, i dont know how and why. got my right upper & lower wisdom tooth remove. face swelling like a pig but nevermind. mood and emotions is determining my days recently. and yea.. prolly i’ll skipped tml’s JB trip. have the house to myself and hit F21 & starbucks. prolly sex & the city 2 with the girls tml afternoon. well, you know i hate to be with people when they have their bf/gf with them. I HATE THAT FEELING!

sigh… i need a good run. A never ending run with non-draining energy.

Upcoming Run/Races…

July 2010

* 04/07/2010
- Race Against Cancer 2010

* 25/07/2010
- Shape Run 2010

August 2010

* 01/08/2010

* 15/08/2010
- RunNUS 2010
- Waterfront Scramble 2010

September 2010

* 05/09/2010
- Yellow Ribbon Prison Run 2010

* 12/09/2010
- Singapore Bay Run & Army Half Marathon 2010

* 19/09/2010
- Salomon X-Trail Run 2010

* 26/09/2010
- de Tour Trail 2010

October 2010

* 09/10/2010
- The North Face 100 (2010)

* 10/10/2010
- Newton 30km Challenge

* 31/10/2010
- Great Eastern Women 10K

December 2010

* 05/12/2010
- Standard Chartered Marathon Singapore 2010

Jeff’s Enlistment

vivian c. — Mon, 31 May 2010 02:53:15 +0000

okay, im on leave today so its kinda time to update a little of what’s happen these days (other than my overindulgence, emotions and fatness)

Last saturdays ago( 22may) , i had a BFFs lunch (Jera,Vivian,Jeff & Gusti) at Mandarin’s Gallery Wild Honey.Sorry celine but all of us were late! we’re suppose to meet at 11 at the cafe itself but all of us are still at home being late was something but having to wait for an hour or so was another. they didn’t allow Celine to “reserve/hog” onto the sits as all guests have to be present at the point of dining.But its pretty much.. WORTH IT. The food was great somewhat better than PS cafe. but please dont try the pancakes! that pretty disappointing. As usual Gus ordered the wrong portion ( japanese), J ordered her pancakes ( only the fruit compote was great), celine & jeff order the Main breakfast while i had my california(vegetarian). it comes up to approx SGD 30-35/pax.

Next up was starbucks ( LOVE LOVE). We settle at Paragon’s starbucks. Celine had her fav caramel macchiato the other had green tea latte and i had my AWESOMELY sugar-free non fat vanila latte well, when time is up Gus & Jeff head home for a nap ( before their night life), J & gary head off to meet their friends, Celine and Edw were nice enough to accompany me to Wisma and ION to a to shop for footwear. bumped into clare and valent and somehow BOOKED clare for her sunday gym session for the next morning.

Sundown marathon 2010

vivian c. — Sun, 30 May 2010 12:48:53 +0000

Sundown reminds me of him. Sigh. His fb status kinda give me an impression that he’s seeing sm1. Okay, Throughout the marathon(2hr50min) my mind was filled with burning calories, him & the stuff we mentioned ( to finish a marathon tgt/ wait at some pt for me while I run). Partly because I saw others cheering for their gf.

Okay, I know its kinda stupid to think abt it again but i missed sundown last year because i was sick and HE stop me from running oh well, I’d decided to take half in the end(despite paying for full). But without training and my knees almost gave way. And i managed to pull it through:) Well I hope sm1 will fulfil what I wished for next time(fyi: nt nxt yr)

Ohhh, R*and I became acquintance. Talked abt issues and I think I’m mean enough to hinder his recovery. Well, I hope I’m not but i am. Shall not dwell in more. But his a gd supporter. Sorry R*

Expression

vivian c. — Tue, 18 May 2010 23:55:36 +0000

I came across this poem and somehow it’s really well written. Something that express what’s in my mind. Somthing that’s unexplainable. Even though I didn’t lost someone to death. But every details mentioned is how I felt.

Rabbi Grollman wrote in his book of poems:

There is no way to predict
how you will feel.
The reactions of grief
are not like recipes,
with given ingredients,
and certain results.
Each person mourns
in a different way.

Appeal opens tomorrow and I’ll jus pray for what’s best for me, not what I want. Probably I’m given an offer, but nt science. Who knows my future is not the cut for science. Who knows I’m in FASS/triple E ( the lowest GPA, 3.2, I heard that gt an offer). Sigh, let’s play by ear.

Official Graduation

vivian c. — Tue, 11 May 2010 16:23:08 +0000

Its my official graduation ceremony today but i just dont feel right. oh well nevermind.

I know im really unstable recently.

i jus feel like doing nothing but cry.

i’ll do my best to stabalize. and of cause, GOD just wanna teach me “patience”.

“my” time

vivian c. — Mon, 10 May 2010 12:40:59 +0000

I’m just done with tuition and it’s was an impromtu decision to head to ion. Well, plan to get a notebook today at pageone but there’s no suitable ones. So I’m making my way to ion proluge or kiki k to get a suitable book.

I start my day well. Getting some anxiety and rushy when i so things today. I guess i know why. Hmmm, worrying about uni and my future is always there. But sometimes it just slipped off, for the moment, and “boom!” it’s back

I did consider SIT and taking adv dip. But it’s not feasible. There’s nothing over at SIT or an adv dip for me. I’m left with 1 last choice, get as much credits transfer and study the shortest possible years. But it’s approxately 2yrs. Bankloan will nt even pull me through it:( gotta think for other alternatives.

Sigh, am at ion now. Might grab a coffee:)